Recently I experienced a very hard and emotional breakdown in the middle of the restaurant on my vacation in Slovakia. I sat in that restaurant feeling like shit and holding the tears in my eyes while my family talked and joked around.
I had an amazing time in Slovakia and I was so damn lucky to be there. So I don’t know why all of the sudden I felt empty, anxious and crap about myself. I tried really hard to calm myself down but then one person snapped at me and I lost it.
I know that person didn’t mean to make me cry and that person really didn’t think that I’ll start crying my eyes out in front of everyone. I’m not mad at that person. I’m mad at myself.
Here I was in a beautiful country with a wonderful family and having a time of my life. And here I was bawling my eyes out for something I myself couldn’t understand.
I’ll never forget how still my family became once they saw my breakdown. I’ll never forget how our waiter and a person from the next table looked at me. I don’t know what they thought but they certainly didn’t expect that.
I kept trying to calm down while eating my food but I just couldn’t.
I don’t know why I suddenly broke down.
I don’t know why I got a panic attack after so many months of not having one.
I don’t know why I even felt like having one.
I simply don’t know.
The only thing that I can say from all this experience is that anxiety really hits you when you least expect it. Mental health doesn’t come from a bad life. It can affect anyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re a billionaire, a successful entrepreneur or a broke student.
I literally have nothing to be sad about. I have a wonderful life. But still, I broke down in a middle of a restaurant.
Does that make me an ungrateful person?
I’d like to believe that it doesn’t. I honestly love my life and I’m grateful for everything that I have in it. But sometimes I just don’t feel happy. Like this time in a restaurant. It doesn’t mean that I’m not a happy person or that I don’t believe in positivity.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that being happy doesn’t always mean that you’ll be hearts and rays of sunshine all the time. You can feel sad, empty, crap, unhappy or depressed at times but feel happy overall.
Even now writing this post after almost two weeks from that incident, I still feel so confused. The last time I had a panic attack was so long ago that I can’t even remember the exact time. So it’s not surprising that I was just as shocked as everyone else.
Looking back at that day, it sounds so ridiculous. But it happened and I can’t do anything to change it. I can only reflect it and debate what was the cause of it. Slowly, I am coming down to the conclusion that I’ll just never know.
Maybe it was fatigue or a sudden shock of a new place. Or maybe my brain just decided to unclutter and let it all out. Either way, I am happy that it’s over and that I’m back into my positive and beaming state where I smile, laugh and do anything to make others laugh.
I’m not sure if this post is even worthy to publish, so maybe it will never see the light of this blog. But if it will, I want to say this.
When you see someone that you think is the happiest person on the earth or when you scroll through your Instagram and see people going places, living the life, don’t assume that they have it all figured out. Or that they never have bad days.
Every single one of us has a story to tell. Every single one of us has experienced shitty, crappy times and over the moon, happy days. The life is a mix of both. So don’t go assuming and thinking that others have it easy and you don’t.
If by chance, you are having one of those not so good days, think about all the good things that you have in your life and all the good memories that you already have made. But don’t go feeling guilty about not appreciating them this exact moment.
Be stronger and tell yourself that it’s perfectly okay. We are all humans after all and we are one messed up yet wonderful creatures.
And for myself, I’d like to remember this breakdown not as a sign of weakness but as a sign of being human. I can’t be happy 24/7 and I perfectly know that. But I still need to remember that if I’m not feeling happy or my mental health isn’t the best at the moment, this very second, it doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy.
Mental health is a tricky thing, one second you can be jumping from happiness and the next you can be debating the worth of your life. One thing I learned over the years is that you shouldn’t force yourself to feel a certain way if you aren’t feeling it. You need to accept how you’re feeling but don’t let it influence your overall state.
I’m in love with one of the quotes from Reasons To Stay Alive book by Matt Haig. He says, “The key is in accepting your thoughts, all of them, even the bad ones. Accept thoughts, but don’t become them. Understand, for instance, that having a sad thought, even having a continual succession of sad thoughts, is not the same as being a sad person. You can walk through a storm and feel the wind but you know you are not the wind.”
And I think I couldn’t have said it better myself. So accept your thoughts but don’t become them and you’ll be the happiest person in the whole damn world.
Have you ever experienced a public breakdown? Or panic attack?
Share your experience, I’d love to hear them.